give up the ghost

my dreams are always gut-wrenching or panic-inducing.

there's nothing in between, and i'm surprised i haven't opted for insomnia.

almost every time i lie down and close my eyes, i am back here in this bed.  hearing his voice harden as he says "you have no bearing on my life."  hearing mine crack as i say "please don't leave me."  i have bought new sheets, a new blanket, but i am still back here with a stranger's arms around me for the very last time, my body pouring cold sweat as i lie awake and feel my chest collapsing in.

sometimes i wake up and want to scream as loud as my lungs will let me.

instead i put in my contacts, i get dressed, and i leave my room to function like a normal adult.  i go to work, i go to school, i see friendly faces and i can smile and talk and feel like a complete person devoid of trauma.  then i go home at night, crawl into bed, carrying this gaping chest wound to sleep with me.  dragging around the landscape of my life like an invisible corpse, this fucking scarlet letter tattooed across my mind.  A is for abandonment.

and then i am back here once again, rib cage torn wide open, viscerally aching with every single word as this stranger in bed says, "this is harder for you than it is for me."