crawling the walls

if i could have written this story over again, i would've cut away the excess and pasted in self-preservation. if i could start everything all over again, i'd invest in the power to close myself off to everyone and everything. no more perpetuating a constant state of crestfallen. no more waiting on the connections that kill the masses.

sometimes i want to wake up to subzero temperatures and a cruel, vast tundra. sometimes i want to be stripped bare and have nothing left to my name other than the oxygen left in my lungs. i want to go without and be without and carve a new self out of loneliness and survival.

but i am here and still awake and still waiting on your phone call to tell me i can gather what's left of my dignity and make that drive. so i won't have to be alone tonight. so i can feel warmth tonight.

so i can dream about dreaming for the arctic.