another year end, another retrospective.
another topographical shift in the art of personal cartography.
there is a theme here that falls halfway between joke and intent, a process of evolution within a specific timeline. the premise is simple: reinvent myself every two years. and it feels like there's a fragile cube labeled new life stashed carefully in the back of my closet, that i move from place to place- in case of emergency, break glass.
in april 2012, i wrote this. it is december 2014, and i am back there again but reincarnated, so far gone from two years ago or four years ago that i am beyond recognition in my bathroom mirror. and this time i am not a monster in the glass (that diametric shift from martyr to megalomaniac), or a caricature of the person i wanted to become-
- but the rough draft, the work in progress, of the person i am becoming.
and if two years ago the focus was wresting control back to an internal locus, of reclaiming my own territory and remapping my own desires, then the shift in landscape now is a perceptible outcropping. i spent so long struggling with the idea that it was never about him, and now i am faced with a similar realization: it was never about me.
(the obscurity of these revelations isn't intentional- it's not as simple as assigning names or quantifiable values, because the concrete examples are ancillary landmarks on a bigger map. if you zoom in closely, you can identify markers along the way- half my body weight lost, new friendships gained, academic and career accomplishments, yet another round in the ring against cynical romanticism- but these are small pit stops in a lifelong journey of self-improvement.)
but the fact is that the most important part of my year in review has nothing to do with a facebook status update, a number on a scale, a pill count in my palm. it is the circuitous journey from a dark place to a warm patch of sunlight, the slow and steady unboxing of a brand new life. the happy reconciliation between two concepts that drive my every waking thought- good enough isn't good enough vs everything will be okay. the understanding that becoming a better person isn't about how i take care of myself, but how i take care of those around me.
so 2015 isn't about lighting a match and burning it all down, and it isn't about some bullshit thought catalog article about self-improvement in a new year. there are no bad habits to break or new hobbies to take up in order to coax myself into becoming a different person. this reinvention is a fine-tuning of perspective and communication, the continued forward momentum in the velocity of self-awareness.
put more simply (and as an epistle)- i want you to know that i am the happiest and most peaceful i have ever been. i want you to know that my gratitude and love for you extends far beyond my comedic routine of self-deprecating quips and simpsons quotes. you are important to me, in a way that my frenetic, solipsistic writing can't fully convey. it is my hope (and intent) to become the person you deserve in your life.
because in the immortal words of drizzy drake, i'm only 27 and i'm only getting better.